I Like My Lip Stuff Like I Like My Men: Chubby

Ya'll know I'm a chubby chaser, right?

Like the other day, I mentioned someone was my type and Olivia said "Fat dad with a beard?" The funny thing is, she was perfectly describing the dude I was talking about.

When I look at some chiseled 22-year-old Adonis, or the hot movie star everyone is drooling over, I feel nothing inside. I just relate better to people who are at least a little bit fat. People who have never been overweight are like some exotic foreign species to me -- I can't wrap my head around them any more than I can people who never worked a crappy customer service job or who leave like 1/4 of the wine in their glass.

Way back at the launch of this site, I interviewed Isaac Mizrahi and we bonded over our preference for fat people. He said, "'I'm starting to think that like I only like fat people. I think only fat people are stylish. So I don't know why I'm so crazed about being trying to be thin...Every time I think a man is cute, they're like, slightly fat." Same, Isaac, same. Except I'm also starting to think I only like fat cosmetics.

Perhaps this explains why I'm so into the lip crayon craze -- them lipsticks are chubby as hell!

My latest gateway drug into the trend are these new Matte Balms from Revlon. Not only are they nice and fat, the balms deliver a highly pigmented matte color, have a smooth moisturizing texture and cost less than $7. They also smell nice and peppermint-y.

I'm wearing "Striking" below.

And I conscripted Olivia to try on the "Shameless" shade.

Through this process, I learned that Olivia is giving serious lip. Filling in her bottom lip felt like applying lipstick to a squishy cushion. On Olivia's complexion, this shade looks like it could be a deep berry, but on a paler person (like xovain's Alle), it's a straight-up serious purple.

Below, a few more of my picks for people who prefer a wider silhouette in their lip products.

LAQA & CO Lil Lip Kit, $32

So cute! So chubby! Like a little fat baby! An alternate title for this post could have been, "I Like My Lip Stuff Like I Like My Babies," because who wants to see a skinny baby? I like it when they get those little rubberband fat rolls around their wrists and ankles. Like the Revlon balms, this product is both pigmented and glossy. Olivia said mine looks like an 8-year-old has been using it, so I guess lip crayons bring out my childlike spirit.

Bite Beauty Matte Creme Lip Crayon, $24

These guys are just a little skinnier than the rest, but I guess I've forgiven them, because I've been wearing this shade (Blood Orange) and Satsuma, a fuschia pink, a ton lately. Sephora online doesn't seem to be carrying them anymore, so snatch them up if you see them I guess? Why is the best stuff always Limited Edition? Just take my money all year round forever please. I'm looking at you, MAC. Anyway, this is another bright, moisturizing matte. (Could it be that lip crayons are singlehandedly solving the problem of matte color that doesn't dry your lips out?)

MAC PatentPolish Lip Pencil, $20

This colored gloss may be calling itself a "pencil," but don't worry, it's still nice and plump. The shape offers precision, while the color goes on a little sheer. It's the perfect thing to fill the gaping void in my soul on days that I'm denying myself cake. (WHY am I denying myself cake?!)

Are you into lip crayons and/or hot fat guys? Are you able to concentrate with free food in the room? I can't. I'm just thinking about what I'm going to eat and how much of it until it's totally gone. I don't know; I was born this way.