Make Your Own Doritos Loaded Because The Ones at 7-11 Are Very Mediocre

You guys have all seen these things, right?

At first, I was going to pass on this one. As far as Doritos technology goes, Taco Bell has already won the battle and the war with Doritos Tacos, so why bother? But friends and family eventually wore me down through social media, and then it was Free Slurpy Day and I had to go to 7-11 anyway.

So here we are.

My official opinion: Not impressed.

There is almost no Dorito flavor in the crust; what we have here is the coating of a slightly less bland than normal fried cheese stick. It's not terrible, but it's nothing special.

Because 7-11 was so busy that day, turnover was high, and I was able to get a fresh batch, which I think is key to deriving any joy from this product. The cheese was nice and melty at first (and therefore vaguely enjoyable), but once they cooled slightly, the dairy product held within those violently orange walls became plasticy and unappealing.

Honestly though, the whole experience is exactly what you should expect when ordering something called “Doritos Loaded: A Warm Nacho Cheese Snack” from 7-11. Everyone knew how this was going to play out going in.

I can say with certainty that Taco Bell still holds the crown for “Best Use of Doritos That is Not Just Putting Them in Your Mouth.” No one is surprised. But what’s frustrating about Doritos Loaded is that they could be delicious. The concept is sound; melted cheese inside a Dorito shell should be the delightfully trashy portable nacho that we all deserve, not a lukewarm, pre-fried, frozen and then reheated, orange triangle of disappointment.

YOU KNOW WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS.

If you want a warm nacho cheese snack done right, you've got to do a warm nacho cheese snack yourself.

You will need:

• Doritos
• Cheeses of your choice (I went with Velveeta for authenticity and pepper jack for taste)
• An egg
• Flour
• Oil that does well at high temperatures (I used peanut)

Make a little "Dorito-fying station." First, pulverize your Doritos in a food processor (fastest and yields the most consistent particle size) or by smashing them with your hands (most satisfying option). Beat an egg, scoop out some flour, and line it all up.

Cut your dairy product of choice into triangles that are about half an inch thick.

Heat your oil in a Dutch oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Grab a cheese triangle and coat with flour, beaten egg, and Doritos powder. Slowly lower into the hot oil, fry for 20 seconds each side, and then get it out of there with a slotted spoon.

Drain on paper towels until they are cool enough to consume, and bite into a world of liquefied cheese that is wrapped in real Dorito flavor.

A note on cheese choosing: Velveeta will give you the truest "warm nacho cheese snack experience," but the pepper jack will really elevate the flavor. When working with the pepper jack however, it is important to keep those triangles cold, or they will start to fall apart before you get them to the fryer. The little pepper pieces compromise the structural integrity of the triangles, but if you keep 'em chilled, you should be fine.

The Velveeta lives at room temperature, so don't worry about chilling that stuff; I'm actually afraid of what might happen to it in a cold environment.

Once you've got the basics down, feel free to experiment with Dorito and cheese options. Cool Ranch with mozzarella? Maybe Enchilada Supreme with cheddar? Go wild, my friends!

But if you find yourself drunk and craving a warm nacho cheese snack, maybe go to 7-11; drinking and frying is never safe.